i felt the blood trickle down my arm, past my elbow, slowly dripping onto the uneven tiles on the floor that mounted each other like a hastly created jigsaw puzzle
the drops didn't run or form channels, they just sat on the dirty white tiles like red thumbtacks on a map
it didn't hurt, in case your wondering
like lava oozing out of a volcano the escape of my blood warmed my outer self, my skin, but made me colder inside which each drop that escaped
pushing back against the wall and sliding down to the ground i sat on the floor and watched how the time passed and the leaky faucet mimicked me
i did not have to hold on anymore . . .
holding on to ghosts and phantoms that i could never catch
ghosts that i could only see when i closed my eyes
phantoms that circled me like smoke dancing around a chimney to only ascend away, upwards stars that i could not reach. . . when i reached up to the nightsky and came down empty-handed the blood collecting no longer resembled thumbtacks,
more like a large red towel strewn across the floor, sitting underneath me and all around
i let go of it all, at that very moment, when the darkness enveloped me whole and my eyes were open but saw nothing
and so with that i let go of my dreams of one-day finding . . . . .

To my son i write this to you, for when i set eyes on you i will know:
i set out that morning before the sun was even out, the stars were still bright in the sky
the air was very cold as frost coated the grass like a vanilla glaze
i had with me a thick coat lined with sheeps wool and a large woven bag that inside carried an axe, a book, and a hardy lunch that your mother prepared for me the night before over an open fire.
i had told her that i would set out before the day arose
i would lift myself out of bed and get dressed without causing her to stir so that when she awoke, i would already be deep in the forest, a great distance from our humble home that sits on the edge of a small river and a few yards from the ever encroaching line of pine trees, that stand miniature compared to the giants of the forest that stand a fast morning and afternoons walk away.
so that you know your mother, in case of anything that should happen before you are able to realize
she made me promise to her that before i left i would give her a gentle kiss on the lips that landed with the gentleness of a butterfly on a flower but with the powerfulness of a stampede of wild horses on a great open plain, bucking and galloping with freedom.
and so i did, and she did not stir, but smiled without even being conscious of it
that is how we have loved each other my dear son for all these years, and with this love and tenderness we will raise you
so that you know the joys of freedom beating in your heart and the warmth of the human touch
so that you are not left alone to howl at the moon to an empty silence
walking ever deeper into the dark forest, i found my way by the light of the moon and gusts of wind that always blow northwards. Remember this if you should ever get lost and i am not there to lead you back.
why was i making this trip you might ask?
well you are a few months away from your birth and i promised myself that i would find the greatest, most humble, and worthy tree to supply wood to build you your crib, so that you may lay your head and sleep in love with life and your home. so that you can lay your head when you feel pain, for when you are hurt, for when you are happy, i want you to feel with your body and bare hands the love that your mother and i have for you
The wood that is left over, to warm the first foods you will eat, and the first baths we will give you

i have felt since i set out on my trip that i am being followed
followed by a past and memories
i feel like if i would just turn around as quick as possible, or look around a tree i would see my mother and father smiling back at me, my brother lending me a hand, my grandparents standing motionless like statues.
crickets danced and signaled alarms as i walked over shrubs and hurdeled giant old logs strewn across the forest floor.

Late this afternoon i found what i had been looking for
i kissed the tree and explained to it that i was in need of its services, that it had a new purpose, and that this purpose was very pure and honest, that it would serve as a base for my son to rest and prepare for the difficulties ahead.
A tremendous gust of wind blew across our faces carrying with it the seeds of this tree that sat perched high above.
I held my axe with my bare hands and began the job that i had set out to accomplish so early that morning.
My dear son, so that you may lay your head and sleep in love with life and your home. so that you can lay your head when you feel pain, for when you are hurt, for when you are happy, so that you never howl at the moon and hear nothing but a deafening silence and stare at the stars in vein, knowing you can never reach them, quietly suffering like your father has his entire life.