feelings

of now

of yesterday

of the week before

of the year before

of another lifetime

no feelings for tomorrow. . .

i sit in my room rummaging through old fotos and letters written to people and memories

what to do?

excavate a giant hole and bury everything and start anew?

pile them high in my room in plain sight so i never forget?

looking outside, pressing my nose against the window screen, what do i see?

something alien to me. . . what is it like to lay down in the grass and watch the passing clouds? what is it like to find refuge in brush or under a tree during a thunderstorm?

i never forgot you. i want you to know that.

i dont think i ever will.

how could i attempt to even begin the process of forgetting you?

but here i sit with you (((or at least my memories of you)))

i know you are no longer that same person

so in reality i sit here with the past. . . with memories. . .with fotos and letters. . . with someone that no longer exists.

in essence i am longing to wrap my arms around a memory, a thought, the past.

sad, in way, dont you think?

do you remember when i said i loved you? and you said you loved me as well?

i once told mother nature that i loved her and moments later i was stung by a honeybee, pricked by a mosquito, and scratched by the talons of a hawk across my heart.

In the words of the beautiful Nina Simone,

"here in my heart, you'll always stay here in my heart, no matter what the words may say, you will stay here in my heart, no matter what the day, you will stay here in my heart, no matter what they say, no matter what they compose or do, no matter what the drugs may do or songs may do or people may do or machines will do to you. . . i will always have my feelings nothing can destroy them 'cuz i know that that is all that there is and that they are the base. . . for you."

and so spring is here and summer will be here tomorrow and fall will arrive and winter will descend on us again and the earth will complete another cycle and i know i will feel the same. i will not complete another cycle, i will sit in place, not rotating or changing.

i had wanted to try love again

but bruised and battered i recoiled

i constantly defeat myself when i am ahead

and love when i shouldn't and not love when i should

spring cleaning anyone ?

an emotional spring cleaning anyone ?

i can't write like this anymore

have i turned you off ?

because i have turned myself off, like a robot with a switch on its back

mechanical and programmed

not instinctual or emotional

not heartfelt or driven to tears.

if the input from my programming tells me to walk forward even if i am at the edge of a cliff,

then i hope the impact wont hurt much.

but since i am a robot now, it really doesn't matter. . .

does it ? ? ? ? ? ? ?